Normal

The day after school let out I sacrificed my summer to the doctors, therapists, nurses, pharmacists, and counselors of Hampton Roads.

It literally happened over night, in an instant.

And while I can't tell you that story, I can tell you that it's been isolating, lonely, and for an extrovert like me, a game of carefully walking a line and balancing my friends on a tightrope so I don't go crazy.

Today I literally spent 8:15 am  to 3:00 pm dealing with medical or insurance issues.
L-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.

I made my kids' lunches while I sat on hold for the 17th time with another doctor's office.
I cursed the answering service under my breath as I smeared the last tablespoon of peanut butter onto an organic wheat piece of bread.
And then I called someone else, held my breath.
And hoped they understood my plea.

I do not cry anymore.  I don't have time to.

The menagerie of bills, toys, artwork and forms on my kitchen counter has become more than embarrassing and tonight I rallied and made some order to the seemingly ending chaos, polishing the black granite shiny with a rag.  I may have rubbed a little too hard, I am not sure.

My attendant asked me today if I like being a stay-at-home mom and I almost choked.
"No," I thought.
 But instead, "I don't love it in the summers," slipped out.

The other day I was walking with my kids, June strapped into her special needs-stroller.
I was at the beach by myself with these little people.  Which is a miracle within itself.
Some guy says, "Aren't you too big for that stroller little girl?"
I looked at him, pursed my lips and let out "Hmmmm."
Because I was contemplating him. And contemplating my life.
Because I didn't have the energy to sock him across the face.
Because he's right.  I have a 9 year old in a stroller.

And sometimes my 10 year old takes care of her as his "chore".
And lately it's been my 6 year old.

I am sorry if you have called me and I have not responded.  I am on auto-pilot.

If you didn't catch it up there, I have run out of peanut butter.  That never happens.

This too, shall pass, but the unfortunately the passing is taking too long.

I told God yesterday "I thought you just wanted my Summer".
And I think He whispered back, " I want all of you."

And as if I thought it was enough to have just one child with special needs, I am coming to the realization that I may have two.  Matter of fact, I am certain my entire family is some kind of special.

I have accepted it.
But I can't move on.

I'm sorta stuck.

I wanted the other family.
The normal family.

God, would you help me love my new normal?

For the joy-less

I went to a women's conference a couple years ago and I remember the speaker having us chant the mantra that we will choose joy...and to go forth.  After I left and I was digesting these words with all my friends in the car, something felt funny, and wasn't right.  How do you just choose joy?  Like you're ordering a big mac, or an ice cream sundae with a cherry on top.  My friend confided in me that she had been in a deep depression and couldn't just get out of it.  How do you get out of it?  That slump.  That deep dark hole when the circumstances for sure, aren't changing.  I started thinking, pondering about my own life. 

I have struggled with deep deep depression, to the point of having to be picked up off my bed, packed up, and carried home by my mother. I slept nights with music playing and I slept the day away wishing it were night.  I came out of my room to eat fruit, maybe. 

I have experienced heartbreak like no other, having a relationship for many many years and having to let go of him...forever.  I felt like I would be ripped in half or my heart would literally fall out of its chest.  It scarred me so deeply that I still think about it and dream about it to this day....15 years later.

I cried tears of pain as I watched my friend's 3 year old girl laugh and chase  my 4 year old boy around the cupcake store, mourning the loss of what would never be between my son and my disabled daughter, and also between my friend's daughter and my own daughter who were previously and subconsciously labeled "best friends" in the womb. 

I was going through a near nervous breakdown when I was 6 months pregnant with my third child.  My back was thrown out and I couldn't lift June anymore.  The entire contents of my kitchen was strewn about my house as they zipped up my kitchen, and labeled it a toxic wasteland.  We were also in financial crisis.  Our renter hadn't paid us in 10 months.  My sweet sister came and got my kids from me for two weeks.  I felt like I was giving them up for adoption. 

I have hated my own husband to the point of wishing we had never gotten married.  It was all a big mistake.  I cried myself to sleep with my Bible open on my chest hoping that somehow God's word would get through to my inner core.

But somehow I was supposed to choose joy in these circumstances.  Christians had been chanting it for years, since I was a child.  Well, through this process of grieving losses, trying to forget what could've beens and managing my own seratonin levels, I figured out something.

Joy chose me.  It was a gift.

In all those instances where I was able to walk away with joy in my heart, there were deep deep moments of grieving.  Some events were years, others were days, but the thing that kept me going was not that I had chosen joy, but rather I had put my hope in a God who would grant peace for the moment and for sure someday lift me up out of the dark, slimy pit. The only choosing I did was to not put my hope in the unhappy situation changing. 

And God has been faithful every single time.
He gives JOY, not necessarily immediately, but ultimately.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b



And it washes over us unexpectedly.