Well I have to admit I'm sad. So sad for June bug. And I would get close to her face and whisper in her ear but she won't let me. Last night I tucked her in bed, like I've done for
seven years and whispered a prayer close to her face as she was shutting her eyes in her medicated way.., and for the
FIRST time ever, she reached out and grabbed my face, clawing at my eyes and my forehead, leaving a scratch, a scratch that says,
"Something is wrong. Get away from me. Leave me alone or help me."
So what does one do? For the child who has been mute and sleepless, clawing, pinching friends, sisters, and teachers during the day, almost laughing, as if no conscience, as if no mind.
I do not know.
Except start again. Back to the basics. Where she was once good and partially happy.
So we are back here dancing with the medication game, where we do not know whether medication is necessary or helpful, or evil, or a cover-up. We want her free to roam, free to be curious, not a drugged zombie with partial rights, partial sounds, tainted movements. I can assure you we hate it. The medication game. I'm so desperate I ordered the ever-so-controversial
Charlotte's Web hemp oil. Maybe you will be calm. Maybe you will rest your flailing limbs. Maybe you will learn to say "Mama". Maybe, just maybe you will sleep through a night without waking up half-way through searching for something sensational, extraordinary, other-worldly, angelic.
Come back to us June bug. While I"m packing our bags for our vacation to Kentucky, come back. I wish I knew what you were upset about, why you are crying, clawing at my eyes, hitting yourself, pinching your caretakers. Show us what you need. We love you. The God of the Universe loves you. And He knows your needs. This is the one truth I take and put
deep deep in my pocket. So I can reach in and pull it out at 2 am in the middle of the night when I'm stumbling to your bedside, and at dinner when the bewitching hour comes and tries to steal our joy, and when you reach out and grab my face a little too hard just before you close your eyes in a deep, medicated trance.
Lord Jesus bring balance to this precious girl's system. Heaven come to Earth.
