Be Still

I'm always hurrying her out the door,
the littlest one. 

My heart can't even put into words how I feel about her.  She is a professional player.  She spends whole Saturdays creating paper outfits held on to fairies with scotch tape and a song, yet I shew her off to school every day with hopes that they won't squelch her little spirit. 

I've enrolled her in all these creative things: ballet, art class, creative movement, gymnastics, but every time I spy on her, my heart breaks because she's off doing her own thing, whirling around or running away, talking to herself, getting one last twirl in, and definitely not fitting into the mold.  She's the kid who doesn't get the candy kiss from the ballet teacher, or clip up on the chart to outstanding behavior.  She's the kid who you have to wake up extra early because she's incapable of getting ready quickly.  Every movement, every motion, every breath is an act of worship.

There is nothing simple about her-

Yet, she reminds me to love the most simple things. 
She leaves hand-prints of love everywhere she goes, spilling over and onto everything around her.

And I stop dead in my tracks and
remember to remember the things that really matter.
The cross.
Made by the most precious of hands.
Placed at our doorpost when I wasn't looking.

But of course, I hold her tightly in my hand.
I hold them all tightly.
I want organization and order, structure and calm. 
Everything my house is not. 
And my veins are literally pumping blood to places I thought blood could never go.
My heart is pouring grace onto situations that I used to judge so deeply, so harshly. 
I am learning to let go, to be still, to sing her to sleep when she asks....and resist the urge to run away, rush out of their rooms, run down the river and scream...
hiding with my books and my chocolates and my thoughts and my songs. 

Sometimes I watch them and I can't believe my almost-12 year old will still do things like this.

This is where I feel the closest to home. To Heaven. 
It's the no-judgment zone.  It's in the mountains. It's at the beach.  It's at the river. 
One can do no wrong here, it seems. 
I need to hang out here more, in that zone-
Being still
Watching
Listening
Seeing these little people in a softer lens
With a softer voice
A kinder heart
A gentler touch.

a little time

Iva June.  You are ten.
TEN.
10.
Double digits.
A decade.
A tenth of a century.

Like a dime.
Tiny but mighty.

This is a day for celebration right?  Celebrating the things you can do, the things I never thought you would do like....

walk    swim    eat    sleep    pinch   giggle.


But this is a day of mourning, a day that marks that time is steadily marching on, and somewhere, somehow, your brain hasn't figured out how to do all the little things that make a 10 year old so

typical.

And I've put to death those dreams of a pink ballerina, dolly clothes, fairy wings, dragon costumes, your singing voice, prom queen, and your white bridal gown.

I packed them up neatly in a wretched box, tied with a bow,
threw them in the attic where they're collecting
dust, webs and wings.

And every year I forget more and more about the box in the attic because I've created a new box for you, a basket of sorts where I'm collecting the new dreams.

One with all the colors of the rainbow, 
popsicles, 
sparkly objects, 
fireworks,
Caribbean waters, 
hot sand, 
rushing wind, 
rap music, 
the Polar Express, 
piano ballads, 
bouncy horses,
smooth rocks, 
and squishy spaghetti.

June's special birthday treat delivered at school today

That's so typical of me, Iva June
To put you in a box.

Prove me wrong, my girl.

Put those fairy wings on and fly.
Sing me the most beautiful song.
Ride your bike with me over the bridge,
into the sunset,
onto the little island
where we play all day in the hot sand
and recite prayers of
Thanksgiving
to the
Great I Am.

I've got time.
I've got a few more decades of time.
I think.

Your Daddy and Mommy love you our little Bug.

Ghosted

I'm kind of at my wits end...I've been looking for an attendant for my daughter for over 6 months now.  That's not really what I'm annoyed about though.  I'm concerned with what is going on with our teenagers and young adults today.  I'm not sure where it started....but I promise if you are a teenager and you read this post, your view on people, cell phones, respect, and common courtesy will change just a little bit.  You might not offend your future employer, and you might even get recommended for another babysitting job when you've respectfully said no to this babysitting offer.  If you are in this camp or have children in this camp, then read on...

I have been trying to hire someone to watch my daughter after school and I typically get one of three responses after an initial texting or messaging conversation.  It usually goes like this:

Teenager or Young adult: Hi!  I'm interested in the job working as your daughter's attendant!
Me: Great!  Can I call you to set up a time to chat about the job?

It is at this point where I lose about 50% of my candidates.  They simply ghost me.

The other 50% of them will respond with their phone number and so I try to call them and talk to them on the phone and have a phone interview. I will only actually reach about 25% of this pool.  Sometimes their message box is full so I will text again and ask them to call me at their convenience.

So for the 25% that I actually talk to on the phone, only about half of them sound alive.  The other half sound like they might be sleeping, dying or distracted....

I'm down to 12%.  They sound wonderful.  They might even claim they are a Christian, volunteer at their local church, have a special needs or language pathology major, have a cousin with autism, or claim to love the pool.  Perfect I think.  So then I tell them I will text them some dates and times to actually come to my home and meet June.  At this point I'm usually slightly optimistic.
At this point also, about half of those people DON'T EVEN RESPOND TO MY TEXT.

I would be happy if, at this point they texted me a simple, "Hi I am so sorry, but I've thought about it and I'm not interested anymore..."  But I don't get that. Instead I am ghosted again.

If this person said no, I could in theory recommend them to another Mom who might need help that they may be a better fit for, but instead because they ghost me, they are labeled as rude, and have completely left my mind. Because they ghosted me, I ghost them back subconsciously.

I am now down to 6%.  The person makes the appointment for the working interview with me and then 50% of the time doesn't even show up.

I am down to 3%.  The person shows up and acts bored, unsure, or doesn't even look June in the eye and say hi.  I get it. Sometimes it's challenging to know how to say hi to her.  I usually give the candidates the benefit of the doubt at this point.  If they show any warmth or interest in the job, then I usually offer them the job and tell them to think about it and get back to me about whether or not they want to take it.

A couple days go by and I usually don't hear anything and so I reach out and ask if they have made a decision and from there I get ghosted again by most of them.

I am down to 1%. There is a rare person, maybe 1 out of 100 who will take the job.  And sometimes...a few of those people actually do an excellent job....going above and beyond, investing in June and making her life more fun, creative and lively.  They love on her and get excited about what she's excited about.  They are not staring at their phone and in another world, a virtual world trying to escape their job.  They see June as a person who also wants to live the fullest life.  They take chances, dive deep and let their hair blow in the wind with her.

In case your teen needs it spelled out:

1. When your employer or prospective employer texts you a question, they are looking for a response, preferably within 12 hours.  And they are hoping your response is the TRUTH.  They don't care if it's bad news, they just want the truth.
2. When you are at your job, any job, please remember that it's time to invest and go above and beyond in your job.  That's how you are noticed.  That's how you get an excellent recommendation, and besides, don't you want to naturally do everything with excellence?  Not mediocrity...
3. Whenever you are going for a job interview for children, please always stoop down, look the child in the eye and introduce yourself: "Hi! I'm______.  What's your name?" Or, in case the child or elderly person can't talk, say "Hi _________! My name is ________. It's so good to meet you!"


Be the 1% friends.
Be better than the 1%.

Baby Tooth and Dog Truths

Tonight my baby lost her first tooth. 

We knew it was coming. 

We were awaiting this moment with bittersweet breath because this was our last first. 

She held it out to us at the dinner table- a trophy of endurance, a peace-offering of sorts as she tried to gobble down her last bit of pizza.

We celebrated with her and sung about how the tooth fairy would fly in and give her a small prize in the middle of the night for her courage, perseverance and determination. 

She held my gaze a bit longer than usual and played along. I think she knew deep down in her little heart there was no tooth fairy, but she asked anyway. 

"Mommy, has anyone ever seen the tooth fairy?"

"Certainly not"  I said.
Because that is the truth.
And I gave her a wink and a hug. 

Something about this moment pronounced her all grown up and I choked down tears as I watched her put her tooth in a baggie for safe-keeping.

What's funny about this tooth is that it didn't want to come out of her mouth. She had two adult teeth that had pushed their way through her gums and were proudly standing behind those baby teeth and just waiting for her to grow up. 

It was taking forever to happen.
And I knew why deep down in my soul.

This baby girl who had sacrificed her whole baby career to be a big kid so I could tend to her older sister wanted to hold on to her baby identity just a little longer...

Hopefully someday she'll forgive me. 

 Two weeks before Christmas I got my kids a dog named Rambo. He came to us looking like a matted mop yet had the sweetest temperament and I just couldn't leave the little scottie there at the shelter. I thought I was getting my kids a pet but what I didn't realize was that I needed a dog-friend much more than they did. 

There is something that happens when you get a dog. Suddenly everything you thought that mattered doesn't matter anymore: like clean floors, clean couches, and manners. And crumbs definitely don't matter anymore.  Because they are licked up and eaten in 2 seconds flat.  

Suddenly you find yourself in the midst of worrying about the hairy dust bunny in the corner...and somehow, magically the pros outweigh the cons and your pup runs and jumps into your lap and you realize right then and there that you are forgiven, 

for now and for then, and for always. 

He never judges you, always sees the best in you, always gives you the benefit of the doubt, is completely loyal, waits patiently for any morsel of affection you can throw his way. And then, he settles down in your lap for a long snuggle and you are forgiven. 

For every last bad deed you have ever done that day, and the days before that, 

and the ones yet to come.  

Charlotte prayed this tonight as she laid her little head down:

Dear Jesus, we hope that you love us more than to the moon and back. And that your love comes to us and our love to you and you bring us salvation. 

I don't pray like that. I'm not sure where she pulls these foundational truths from. 

I am forgiven. For every last bad deed I have done today. 
For forever.
And for always. 

That's it. 

And now I will put on my tooth fairy wings and fly up to the bedroom and reach under my babiest daughter's pillow and give her her heart's desire:

3 gold coins and a piece of chocolate.

And then I will snuggle on the couch with my Rambo. 

And be forgiven.