Be Still

I'm always hurrying her out the door,
the littlest one. 

My heart can't even put into words how I feel about her.  She is a professional player.  She spends whole Saturdays creating paper outfits held on to fairies with scotch tape and a song, yet I shew her off to school every day with hopes that they won't squelch her little spirit. 

I've enrolled her in all these creative things: ballet, art class, creative movement, gymnastics, but every time I spy on her, my heart breaks because she's off doing her own thing, whirling around or running away, talking to herself, getting one last twirl in, and definitely not fitting into the mold.  She's the kid who doesn't get the candy kiss from the ballet teacher, or clip up on the chart to outstanding behavior.  She's the kid who you have to wake up extra early because she's incapable of getting ready quickly.  Every movement, every motion, every breath is an act of worship.

There is nothing simple about her-

Yet, she reminds me to love the most simple things. 
She leaves hand-prints of love everywhere she goes, spilling over and onto everything around her.

And I stop dead in my tracks and
remember to remember the things that really matter.
The cross.
Made by the most precious of hands.
Placed at our doorpost when I wasn't looking.

But of course, I hold her tightly in my hand.
I hold them all tightly.
I want organization and order, structure and calm. 
Everything my house is not. 
And my veins are literally pumping blood to places I thought blood could never go.
My heart is pouring grace onto situations that I used to judge so deeply, so harshly. 
I am learning to let go, to be still, to sing her to sleep when she asks....and resist the urge to run away, rush out of their rooms, run down the river and scream...
hiding with my books and my chocolates and my thoughts and my songs. 

Sometimes I watch them and I can't believe my almost-12 year old will still do things like this.

This is where I feel the closest to home. To Heaven. 
It's the no-judgment zone.  It's in the mountains. It's at the beach.  It's at the river. 
One can do no wrong here, it seems. 
I need to hang out here more, in that zone-
Being still
Watching
Listening
Seeing these little people in a softer lens
With a softer voice
A kinder heart
A gentler touch.