When peace doesn't flood your veins

Well I have to admit I'm sad.  So sad for June bug.  And I would get close to her face and whisper in her ear but she won't let me.  Last night I tucked her in bed, like I've done for seven years and whispered a prayer close to her face as she was shutting her eyes in her medicated way.., and for the FIRST time ever, she reached out and grabbed my face, clawing at my eyes and my forehead, leaving a scratch, a scratch that says,
"Something is wrong. Get away from me. Leave me alone or help me."

So what does one do?  For the child who has been mute and sleepless, clawing, pinching friends, sisters, and teachers during the day, almost laughing, as if no conscience, as if no mind. 
I do not know.

Except start again.  Back to the basics.  Where she was once good and partially happy.

So we are back here dancing with the medication game, where we do not know whether medication is necessary or helpful, or evil, or a cover-up.  We want her free to roam, free to be curious, not a drugged zombie with partial rights, partial sounds, tainted movements.  I can assure you we hate it.  The medication game.  I'm so desperate I ordered the ever-so-controversial Charlotte's Web hemp oil.  Maybe you will be calm.  Maybe you will rest your flailing limbs.  Maybe you will learn to say "Mama".  Maybe, just maybe you will sleep through a night without waking up half-way through searching for something sensational, extraordinary, other-worldly, angelic. 

Come back to us June bug.  While I"m packing our bags for our vacation to Kentucky, come back.  I wish I knew what you were upset about, why you are crying, clawing at my eyes, hitting yourself, pinching your caretakers.  Show us what you need.  We love you.  The God of the Universe loves you. And He knows your needs.  This is the one truth I take and put deep deep in my pocket.  So I can reach in and pull it out at 2 am in the middle of the night when I'm stumbling to your bedside, and at dinner when the bewitching hour comes and tries to steal our joy, and when you reach out and grab my face a little too hard just before you close your eyes in a deep, medicated trance.

Lord Jesus bring balance to this precious girl's system.  Heaven come to Earth.

The Sensational 7th

Dear Iva June,

Whew!

It's time to clear the air-
Literally.

That last post wasn't really fair to you, was it?
You are much more beautiful than that.
And really-you couldn't have told me you don't like that picture of yourself
because you can't.

And so, I am asking you for forgiveness, BUT,
I won't take down the picture.
Because it serves as a reminder to us of where we have come 
and where we are going.
Both of us.

Because we're both on this journey-
You to speak.
And me to speak less.
You to lead.

And me to be patient.

And that's really hard for me June bug-to be patient.
Like REALLY hard.

But here we are...another year into it-
And today I celebrate YOU!

It's your birthday and you are SEVEN!
So you needed something kind of SENSATIONAL!

Pool filled with Water balloons, squishie balls, body foam and bath bomb

Water table filled with colored cool whip, frozen blueberries, pop rocks and cotton candy

Maybe heaven?

Layered ice cream trifle

Because only something cold would do for the birthday girl

Sweet Girl,

May your year be full of sunshine, shiny balloons, splashing waters, sweet watermelon, sprinklers, laughter, bathing suits, honey nut cheerios and popsicles.

And may you know just
how high,
how wide,
how deep
is the Father's love for you.