The Gift

A couple of weeks ago my friend said to me, "Katie, I don't know how you do it, because honestly, I would possibly think about institutionalizing my daughter if I were you.  I don't think I could handle it." She looked me in the eye and tried to back paddle and said she was sorry if she had offended me.  I nearly cried.  I was not offended at all.  I was actually deeply touched.  Finally.  Someone empathized with me.  Someone understood that it was HARD raising this little girl of mystery. Yes, I told her.  I think about it almost weekly.

This person who said this was my dear, dear friend.
The same person who gave me a gift three years ago that I will never forget.    

The gift was her Nanny.

Kat, June and James, 2012

I've been dreading this day for a while.  June's "Miss Kat" is leaving us.

Kat has been working very hard and recently earned her nursing degree and is taking a job as a psychiatric nurse.  This was not originally her plan. She wanted to do something more glorious like work for labor and delivery, but just like God prepared my heart long ago for loving a child with profound needs, Kat's heart was prepared for this new job through the unexpected gift of June.

February 26, 2015

June has grown to love Miss Kat with her whole being.  She practically squeezes her as if to say, "Don't leave me. Not now..." June will wonder where her friend has gone...the one who keeps her safe, feeds her, braids her hair, bathes her meticulously, reads to her, gives her music to listen to, holds her tightly, and soothes her weary soul when she is anxious.  She is the one who protects her when she is thrashing violently, who tends to her when digestion is rough, resulting in back-bending pain.  She is the one who sings to her, prays over her and kisses her so that she knows she is loved.

James will wonder who will take him for "treats" on gloomy days, and who will lie in his bed at night, listening to his dreams and plans, and hug-tackle him when he pretends he really doesn't want it.  It wasn't like this at first...but now they have an inseparable bond because Kat refused to give up on this little guy.

And Charlotte has never known life without Miss Kat. While she was in the womb, echoes of Kat's laughter filled her chamber and it was music to her very being as she was christened with JOY.  It was as if Miss Kat's personality was etched into her DNA.  Charlotte doesn't know the difference between a black person or a white person.  She doesn't know the difference between Miss Kat and her Mommy either.  It is likely that when she wakes up from her nap, the first thing she will call is, "Miss Kat! Miss Kat!".  
And Miss Kat sadly won't come running with June-bug on her back.

But perhaps the one who will mourn Kat's loss the most is this Mommy right here.  Yes, Miss Kat is excellent at what she does with all her child-watching skills, flexibility, role-playing abilities, patience and treat expertise, but one fact remains.  I am losing my best friend....my friend who spends half the days of her week gracing me with her presence.

And maybe what I needed all along was not just someone to take care of my June-bug.

Maybe I needed someone I could talk to and share all my deepest secrets with.  I needed someone who would uplift my spirit and encourage me to be a better person.  Maybe I just needed someone to listen to all the things I've been scheming about in my head.  I needed someone to tell me how awesome I was. And then maybe I needed someone to tell me God loves me even though awesome I was not. I needed someone to just show me some really cool new songs, or bring me a salad from TASTE or an ice cream treat. Maybe I just needed someone to go on a walk with.

Maybe I just needed a friend who would learn to understand and empathize.

Someone who would choose to walk in my shoes, choose to grab hold of my family and not give up on the hard ones.  Because the hard ones are the easiest ones to give up on.

Thank you my dear friend.  You are the gift that I am passing on to Norfolk General.  You are entering the dark and weary land with all the hard ones.  But I know you.  You won't give up on them until you have won them over with your joyous smile, engaging personality and your contagious laughter. You will pursue them until you have found a thread of hope, pulling it gently until they see a glorious rainbow. You will nurture and nourish their souls until they feel full, understood and even loved.  You will set their feet on a higher place where they can reach out and possibly touch heaven.

You have turned my world upside-down, Katharine.  I love you forever.
I refuse to say good-bye.