Lucky One

It is the end of the year and all that keeps on going through my head is BAM: I AM THE LUCKY ONE.  Somehow, my three small children are still alive and well.  They were NOT shot to death when they went to school the morning of December 14.  Actually, they were all home sick with me that day and I remember being completely annoyed about that fact.  Shame on me.  Why do I keep trying to look forward to the BIG MOMENTS when all the little moments are so important and hold small golden treasures of their own (thank you Shauna Niequist and Cold Tangerines)?  I don't see them because I'm ready to move on to 7:30 pm when all my kids are safely tucked in bed and I can finally do the dishes, sit down to rest my weary body, and devour the chocolate treat I've been thinking about all day.

Sometimes I am a really good mom, for like 5 minutes.  I'll sit down and actually do a puzzle with them, pretend-play that a wolf is coming to get the silly little farm animals, help them watercolor a master-piece... then I move on to being a bad mom for a whole hour.  Ignoring my kids, yelling instead of disciplining, wishing they would play by themselves, letting them eat things they shouldn't and stare mindlessly into the TV.  Sometimes I can read my kids books like The Crippled Lamb or Mortimer's Christmas Manger (thanks, B!) and feel like I'm making a dent on their eternal perspective....because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we're going somewhere else. Eventually.  Those precious little Newtown six year olds have found their home sooner than I.  I'm sad for their parents, really.  They are left to pick up their broken hearts and move on in a world too fast-paced for empathy and healing.

We celebrated Christmas tonight before making our trek to see family and with Faith Hill's Christmas album playing in the background (thanks, Jno!), I reminisced on the highlights (and lowlights) of this year.  Some things that stick out are:

-opening the door to our home on January 2, 2012 only to find the dishwasher still running after we had been gone for ten days.
-driving up the coast with my faithful friend Meryl, where I met my sister to tearfully drop off my (then) two kids so I could clean up the house, clean up my emotions, and get prepared for baby #3.
-waking up from a nap while pregnant and Kat (the blessing in my life and June's) had mopped the entire downstairs. 
-looking into the eyes of my 5 minute old baby girl and knowing that she was completely neuro-typical.
-telling June we should "go home now" and following her all the way home while she lead the way in her walker (this has only happened once).
-the Monday after Thanksgiving, my husband calling me and telling me there was no more work left for him at work.
-two times, in the last two weeks when my husband grabbed my hands and we prayed together, begging God for a miracle.  

Sitting by the Christmas tree, I feel God's hand of peace upon our lives, whispering in my ear that there's something good coming.  Looking forward to that moment of celebration.  In the meantime, I will celebrate this season of the Holy Child.  Merry Christmas!

June and Charli captured for a split-second