She better twirl

My dear friend Meryl is 8 months pregnant and is waiting to give birth to her precious baby girl. Meryl is the type of friend who is always there when you're crying, who seems to call you to go on a walk just when you need it, who's always up for a last-minute adventure and who gives you a manicure while you watch a movie, while SHE'S pregnant.  She's a sweet Southern Belle and "giving" just happens to be her gift.  To top it all off, she's absolutely gorgeous with long hair like your Barbie doll.  It is only natural that I would want to give her some of my most favorite baby clothes. 

Today I went through all of my daughter's 0-3 month clothes...reminiscing, remembering, wishing....I quickly packed them all up in a bag in case I changed my mind because I'm so emotionally connected to them all. It was time...I was running out of room in the closet. You see the other great thing about Meryl is she is just 5 houses down from my house, so I quickly trotted down there, peeked in the window and saw her with her precious son (my son's bf) and her wonderfully supportive husband eating peacefully...these last few weeks before the BIG arrival.  I quickly dropped the bag of clothes on the doorstep, turned around, and it happened...my eyes started welling up with tears, I started crying a little harder and wondered what in the world I was crying about.  There was something about that moment I remembered too clearly...just 21 months ago.... My son, my husband, and my pregnant belly all looking forward to the bright road ahead, visualizing the first meeting with my little bundle of love who would gaze into my eyes, cry when I left her with strangers and curiously explore her world. I was so wrong. 

But, God was so right.  You see, I'm finding just how really selfish I am. I want to go to the Zoo and the Botanical Gardens every day, walking and chatting with friends while our kids bounce around our feet and we share stories of bumped knees and hurt feelings. I don't want to sit through therapy session after therapy session and go to doctor's offices so they can tell me to run down the hall and get a few blood draws and order large contraptions so she can see better, breathe better, live life better.  I don't want to squish her food up anymore.  I don't want to carry her anymore. I don't want to pretend I'm fascinated with straws, lights and razzberries anymore. You see? I'm selfish.  And this precious little June bug pulls me out of that world, and into hers, and once in a while I mourn all that could have been.  Every ballet class, every sleepover, every Hello Kitty sticker, every twirling flouncy skirt. 

So I made a deal with God.  I bought her a dress the other day. It was on sale at Hanna Andersson for $20. Christmas Red Love to Twirl Velour Dress.  I am praying she will be able to wear it this next December. She will. And she'll twirl.